NOW WE KNOW WHY SO MANY PITTSBURGHERS LIVE AROUND HERE
Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack – The Onion
BRAIIIIINNNSSSS!
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a “long-term, even fun” refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA’s information “hopelessly outdated.”
“Dr. Aurora’s claims are based on decades-old zombie models,” Baptiste said. “Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human.”
Added Baptiste: “That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is.”
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a “long-term, even fun” refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA’s information “hopelessly outdated.”
“Dr. Aurora’s claims are based on decades-old zombie models,” Baptiste said. “Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human.”
Added Baptiste: “That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is.”
Bad news about your hometown Sam. Hopefully, they at least have a contingency for Beano and Marn. Oh, and your family too.