Tonight, the NFL returns, so I thought I’d get in the spirit and give you my predictions for the 2009-10 season. Divisions listed in order of least to most importance.
AFC SOUTH
The Houston Texans will admit they have the most boring name in the NFL.
Indianapolis Peyton Manning will take first ever snap without audibling confusing entire state of Indiana and causing a decline in productivity.
The Jacksonville Jaguars will maintain 15th consecutive season of irrelevance. They should have kept their old uniforms too, the new ones are overdesigned. The only change the old uniforms needed was a switch back to standard block numbers.
The Tennessee Titans will have more uniform combination than wins as they regress to the mean.
AFC WEST
Along with Rep. Heath Shuler (D, NC), San Diego Chargers coach Norv Turner will be arrested for attacking a local blogger.
Kansas City Chiefs RB Larry Johnson will win the NFL Man of the Year Award, prompting former coach Dick Vermeil to cry.
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis will lock himself in his skybox at whatever the Colisuem in Oakland is called these days.
The Denver Broncos will embarrass themselves by wearing ghastly uniforms. They will also wear their 1962 mustard yellow and brown throwbacks.
NFC SOUTH
The Atlanta Falcons fanbase will not so quietly admit that best that happened to their franchise was Michael Vick getting busted.
The Carolina Panthers fans will forgive Jake Delhomme because that Bojangles ad a few years back is still awesome.
Hey, New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees doesn’t have a birthmark on his face anymore.
In honor of their throwback jerseys, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will add Doug Williams, Steve DeBerg and Vinnie Testaverde to the team’s QB rotation. DeBerg will start, but be replaced Testaverde who will throw 5 interceptions in second half.
NFC WEST
The Arizona Cardinals will start season 1-4 as they are too busy saying, “we played in the Super Bowl?” to concentrate on games.
Following precedent set by former coach Mike Nolan, NFL will be grant wardrobe dispensation to current 49ers Mike Singletary, who will coach team pantsless in home games.
The St. Louis Rams will beg L.A.to “please let be back baby, I’m sorry I strayed,” prompting former coach Dick Vermeil to cry.
The Seattle Seahawks will lead the league in too many men on the field.
NFC NORTH
The Chicago Bears will tear up their grass field and replace it with an artificial surface, further sissifying the NFC North.
The Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre will retire after game in Green Bay. Weeks later, he will demand a trade to the Packers. NFL complies, ignoring trade deadline.
After being reacquired and then benched in favor of Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre will demand trade to New York Jets. NFL complies, ignoring trade deadline.
The Detroit Lions will complete sissification of NFC North by wearing new jerseys with “cute” numerals instead of standard block.
AFC EAST
Terrell Owens will do push-ups on Yonge Street prior to the Buffalo Bills showdown with the Jets in Toronto. Buffalo will start 5-2 or 2-5 on their way to 7-9.
New Miami Dolphins part owners Serena and Venus Williams will line up in the wildcat formation.
The New York Jets will play before thousands of intoxicated, overweight men wearing green from the outer boroughs and Long Island. Joe Namath will finally hookup with Suzie Kolber. Namath explains “I must have appealed to her maternal instinct.”
Curt Shilling will sign on as backup quarterback for the New England Patriots
AFC NORTH
Forgotten Baltimore Ravens mascots Edgar and Allen will at last have revenge for their banishment. Watch you step Joe Flacco.
Cincinnati Bengals K Chad Ocho Cinco will moonlight as a wide receiver.
The field at Cleveland Browns Stadium will catch on fire.
The Pittsburgh Steelers will lose the AFC Championship at home, causing a a near riot in Heinz Field parking lot as fans argue whose fault it was, Neil O’Donnell or Kordell Stewart.
NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones ego will hit the hanging HD television screen above the field. Also, a distraught Tony Romo, still reeling from his breakup with Jessica Simpson, will begin dating Nick Lachey.
In a bid to send off Giants Stadium and provide closure to a dark spot in team history, the New York Giants will invite Joe Pisarcik back for the final home game. He fumbles a handoff to Larry Csonka, Herman Edwards picks it up and scores, eliminating the Giants from playoff contention.
Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb will make a boneheaded decision that makes Michael Vick look better able to lead the Eagles, prompting former coach Dick Vermeil to cry.
Washington Redskins Coach Jim Zorn will call fake every field goal for every attempt. Team will stop listening in week 3.
There you have it, contact your local bookmaker for odds on all these predictions today!
